Let it be noted that while I haven’t watched GH yet this week, I am enjoying it far more than I have in years. But for the past few weeks, the only storyline that has my full attention is Liz’s triangle. And that attention is in no small part due to the beautiful suit AJ wore during the Chew shenanigans. Sean Kanan is looking the best he has since his return.

His earnestness in the role is quite relatable. I believe he’s genuinely trying to build good relationships with both Michael and Elizabeth, and I want him to succeed. But I also think Nik and Liz have far more chemistry than they had the first time around. That may be directly related to the amount of time Nik is spending shirtless.

I’d be staring just like Liz is.

Their first affair had a car wreck appeal—I couldn’t look away from how awful and wrong it was. But with Lucky gone, I find myself believing these two old friends could have a passionate romance after all. And I enjoy Jonathan Jackson on Nashville too much to wish he’d return for Liz and Lucky Redux #12. To sum up, this is a triangle with two stylish men, one gorgeous lady, and plenty of reason for me to invest in either relationship. Win, win, Show. Win, win.

I don’t feel as glowy about that other triangle. I’ll give you a minute to remember which one I’m talking about, because it’s not that memorable…there are teenagers involved…That’s right, it’s Molly, Rafe, and TJ!

I want to be interested, but I’m mainly annoyed I didn’t see more of Molly and TJ’s relationship before this obstacle was thrown in their way. And I think Rafe and Molly are the pairing I should root for because “poor Rafe has suffered so much” and blah, blah, blah. He doesn’t honestly seem that affected by it all. He’s a lost little lamb in the wilderness, certainly, but TJ was that too once upon a time. At least I think he was when he showed up in town and Shawn took him under his wing. TJ showed up out of the blue and bullied Shawn into taking him in, then he spent a lot of time being angry until Molly taught him to read and his attitude, and the actor, magically shifted. Did I get that right? TJ is one of those characters I shelved away as unimportant as soon as he arrived, so I must admit, I never paid close attention. I never expected him to last this long in the first place, but I’m strangely on his side in this triangle. It doesn’t help that smart Molly keeps coming across as romantically clueless. If she wants to be with TJ, she isn’t doing a good job of showing it.

And now let’s run through other plotlines I care about less than TJ’s backstory. The Falconeri cousins being harassed and then harassing the goons afterward? Don’t care. The One Life to Live Three returning to General Hospital in different roles? Don’t care. The Pickle Lila feud and food poisoning on the Chew? Don’t care beyond being far more entertained than I expected by the hosts of the Chew.

They were actually pretty fun to watch! But now the storyline will continue with Tracy and AJ, and I’ll get so sick of it, I’ll stop wishing I had a Pickle Lila t-shirt.

Laura marrying Scotty in Windermere of all places? Don’t care. Dante slowly winning over New Lulu with bad pick-up lines?

Okay, I care. I’ve always been a sucker for Dante’s cheesy attempts at romance, and I think New Lulu is successfully channeling Old Lulu’s fun rebellious streak. It’s at its most obvious when she’s with Dante and letting herself give into him, just a little. I can buy this Lulu slowly falling in love with her man again. She made him work for it the first time, too. But she really needs to get out of Milo’s orbit. And Dante needs to show more concern for Maxie at present. He’s never getting that baby, but he doesn’t know that! Sparks flying between Dante and Maxie bonding over missing the Lulu they know would add a whole new level to that storyline. And when it comes out that Dr. Britt is the one carrying Dante and Lulu’s baby, it’ll be amazing. That’s no spoiler; I just really, really hope Britt used their embryo because it’ll affect the whole canvas if all those secrets come out at once. Maxie, Spinelli, Patrick, Sabrina, Britt, Dante, Lulu, Ellie…it’s going to be crazy!

Prescription for Better Soap: Move Lulu out of Milo’s place as soon as possible. A third roommate could work in Maxie and Ellie’s apartment, complicating things even more than they already are. Move past Morgan’s gambling addiction fast. It’s more boring of a character reintroduction than a simple, “Mom, I’m home!” would have been. Continue making the triangle with AJ, Liz, and Nik as well-rounded as it is, and don’t shirk on nice suits for both men. Avoid making TJ the villain in the teens’ triangle, because it makes me resent Rafe more than I should.

Lastly, readers, you’ve probably noticed that my columns have been less frequent of late. That’s because I’m in the process of selling my house and moving cross-country! Who would have guessed it would bite into my General Hospital viewing and pondering? Okay, I probably should have guessed that. For the foreseeable future, my GH columns will probably appear closer to monthly than weekly. At least I’ll have a lot to say for each, right?

Becca

My romance novella, Maya’s Vacation, is available for purchase at Astraea Press,  Amazon, and Barnes and Nobles. Follow me on Twitter @thegourmez or on Facebook. Find info on all my writing at my website.

By Katrina Rasbold

Are you as hooked as I am?  That would be to say totally hooked!   I love the series and I loved the books, although Martin does tend to get a bit rambly in parts and by the time you get to his most recent book, Dance With Dragons, you’ve got a whopping total of 31 points of view perspectives (characters telling the story from their perspective).  The books are lonnnnng, but good at holding your attention for the most part.  For those who do not know, there are currently a total of 5 books in the A Song of Ice and Fire series (the first book is called Game of Thrones and HBO adopted it for the name of their whole series) and the last one was released in 2011.  He is taking his own sweet time with #6 and we are hopeful considering that George is only 64, that he will live long enough to finish the story since he absolutely refuses to allow anyone rights to continue it if he dies.  At this time, he plans on two more books in the series, The Winds of Winter and A Dream of Spring, which will likely cover some time in the future because if we have learned nothing from this series, we have learned that Lanisters pay their debts, Jon Snow knows nothing, Impin’ ain’t easy, and Winter is coming, Bitches.

Since I have read all of the books and the show is adhering most faithfully to the primary plot points, I can slide some spoilers to you if you are interested.  Granted, you can find these all over the net, but here they will be in one happy little package for you.  I will cover what is coming up in the immediate future, because a lot of what happen beyond that builds on other stories that are just falling into place.  Do NOT click over to read more if you want to be spoiler free.  Beyond the link is anything BUT spoiler free.

Joffrey and Margaery:  Pay close attention to the names of the leeches that Stannis chucked into the brazier last night because shit’s about to get real.  The royal wedding does happen, but the Queen of Diana Rigg has a card or two up her sleeve and Joffrey will definitely get his, but not until after some more Tyrion humiliation.  If you thought His Grace would let that “I’m going to cut off your business” remark go unpunished, you’d be wrong.  The Queen of Thorns keeps Margaery safe, but ultimately puts Tyrion in unspeakable jeopardy in the process.  Suffice it to say, Joffrey gets his and Tyrion pays the price.

Margaery:  Don’t count Margaery down yet because marrying a third Baratheon king is not at all outside of her to-do list.  A third king, you say?  Remember that little kid Cersei was about to poison seconds before Tywin rode in on his pooping horse and saved the day?  His name is Tommen and he will become important.  Cersei continues to rule as regent when Tommen becomes king, but after he marries Margaery, the tiny tyke king begins to have another voice whispering in his ear and that comes back to bite Cersei in her shapely ass big time.  This you will want to see because it is a really intense hairpin turn in the story.  Do NOT underestimate Margaery and remember she is of direct lineage of the Queen of Thorns.  Cersei gets hers, Arya will be happy to know (if she ever actually finds out).

Jaime:  Those who were hoping for a romance between Brienne and Jaime will be disappointed.  They forge a deep friendship and abiding respect as they (safely) make their way back to King’s Landing.  Jaime’s first order of business upon finally making it home is… you guessed it… to shag Cersei.  She’s thrilled to see him and thrilled to oblige (although if it goes like it did in the books, it’s in a church), but in mid thrust, she notices that he’s missing one of his important appendages (granted not the most important one for these purposes) and smells like a dung heap and she is repulsed.  After that, their relationship, to put it mildly, does not flourish.  Jaime’s time being tortured by Roose Bolton’s men and having company with Brienne changes him and he becomes devoted to being an honorable and strong warrior.  He gives Brienne his sword, which was forged from the metal of Ned Stark’s sword, and tells her it is named Oathkeeper.  He says he intends to keep his oath to Catelyn Stark and asks Brienne to take the sword and go find Sansa.  Things…don’t go well for Brienne.

Sansa:  Find Sansa, you say?  What happened to Sansa?  Sansa remains married to Tyrion, who lands in prison, accused of the ill fate of Joffrey.  Petyr Baelish (aka “Littlefinger”) takes her with him to The Eyrie (remember the sky cell where Tyrion was held?  That place) when he marries creepy Lysa Arryn.  Now to provide a back story that has not yet been mentioned in the show, Lysa is Catelyn’s sister (this part we know) and when they were all very young, their father, Hoster Tully (the guy who just died and floated down the river while the hapless archer tried to set his raft on fire), found out that Lysa was pregnant with Petyr’s child.  This happened because Catelyn had been engaged to Brandon Stark (Ned’s brother) and Petyr challenged Brandon to a duel for Catelyn’s hand in marriage.  Brandon won, but Catelyn begged Brandon to spare Petyr’s life, which he did.  Shamed, Petyr then bedded Lysa, who was in love with him, and that is how she became pregnant.  Hoster tricked Lysa into drinking a drug that would cause her to have a dangerous and painful miscarriage, which it did and Lysa was kind of never again right in the noggin.  So flash forward and now Lysa, who Hoster quickly married off to the honorable Jon Arryn (who died just before the story picked up initially and was Hand to the King for Robert Baratheon) and birthed Creepy Breastfeeding Boy, Robyn, is about to marry the childhood love of her life.  Oh, Sansa.  We were talking about Sansa.  When Petyr goes to marry Lysa, which he does, he brings Sansa with him and introduces her as his bastard daughter, Alayne.  That situation goes about like you would imagine and Lysa goes crazier and ends up taking a flight out the moon door, leaving Petyr as Lord of The Eyrie (regent for Robyn) and Protector of the Vale with Sansa as his heir and Robyn as their ward.  Petyr’s intentions seem to be good since be plans to help Sansa regain Winterfell and the North by marrying her off to Robyn and revealing her to be Ned’s daughter at the wedding.

Tyrion:  Jamie does not believe the charges against Tyrion and frees him from prison.  Tyrion, angry and hurt, tells Jaime some painful lies and flees.  Jamie is devastated.  Before he leaves Tyrion takes some very, very drastic action that ensures he will not exactly be welcome in the House of Lannister anymore.  He leaves Westeros and looks for a new House to support and ultimately hooks up with my future husband and current mental lover, Jorah Mormont, and joins a band of mercenaries intent on destroying Dany (long story with a twist).  Don’t get too attached to Shay.

Podrick the Gifted:  Not happy times.  *wince*

Theon Greyjoy:  No es buenos.  Pretty much more of the same for Theon.

Stannis:  Two words:  The Wall.

Melisandre:  Goes to The Wall with Stannis.

Davros:  Not dead yet, although we are led to believe at one point that he is.

Robb Stark:  This Frey wedding is being sort of played off as no big deal, but it is a total game changer.  Walder Frey is PISSED that his daughter was jilted by Robb and things get really crazy.

Consider this little internet meme of George R.R. Martin and J. K. Rowling:

The story that this season finale is building up to is where George R. R. Martin gets his reputation of killing off absolutely everyone.  Heads.  Will.  Roll.  Sometimes, quite literally and sometimes, replaced by other heads.  In fact, don’t imagine that anyone is important enough not to die.

Catelyn Stark:  Get ready for some serious zombie action.  I’m just sayin’.

Arya Stark:  Because of what goes on at the wedding (and she and Sandor are outside and she becomes furious when he will not let her go into the massacre), Arya ends up boarding a ship for Braavos with the magical coin Jaqen H’ghar gave to her.  She has a ton of cuhrazy adventures, which is pretty much where she remains for the rest of the series so far.

Bran Stark:  This story has already veered so far off of the books that it’s hard to tell how it’s going to go.  Basically, it gets stupid with Bran turning into a kind of shaman and then a tree and I think I slept through the rest of it.

Rickon Stark:  Who cares?  Seriously?

Jon Snow:  We are leading up to an intense battle at the wall and Jon shows that his allegiance is still with the Brotherhood of the Black, although his heart is torn.   After the battle, we no longer have to hear about how Jon Snow knows nothing again, but it is ultimately revealed, much to Jon’s relief, that it was not his arrow that caused that silence.  Stannis comes in to help the Wall win the battle.  Problems from within the Brotherhood are worse than any threat from the Wildings and things pretty much go downhill for Jon from this point on.

Samwell Tarley:  Goes to the Wall with Gilly and becomes a Maester (healer) and works to get Gilly to a place where she and her baby will be safe.

Jorah Mormont:  (My favorite)  Baristan Selmy reveals that Jorah was commissioned by Robert Baratheon to spy on Daenerys and Viserys and report on their progress.  Jorah tries to defend his actions and, having already proclaimed his love to Daenerys, is banished from her service, much to his anguish.  He actually hooks up with Tyrion later on.

Daenerys:  Hot guy with the heads?  She does him.  More freed slaves and Daenerys learns that you have to feed freed slaves and that some freed slaves don’t get along with other freed slaves very well.  She also learns that you have to feed dragons and that sometimes, dragons pick their own food as they get older and your subjects don’t like it when their kids are getting gobbled like popcorn.  Things get weird and she ends up going on a kind of protracted walkabout where she is found by some of the Dothraki who served under Khal Drogo.

Extra Spoiler:  There’s another  Targaryen vying for the throne and Varys is his #1 guy.

Want to know about other characters or stories?  Ask away in the comment section.

For May 21^st and 23^rd….

Tea looks to Bo to find out the truth.

Oh, Tea, sweet Tea, haven’t you learned that looking to the LPD for the truth is a fool’s errand?  Soap PD’s are always the last to know the truth.

Natalie and Destiny bond over a night out at Shelter.

Lots of female bonding going on in Llanview these days. Which is a very very good thing indeed.

Jeffrey questions Matthew’s motives.

“Is it your intention to be the biggest douche in Llanview because, if so, you are rocking it.”

Clint oversteps when trying to help Viki.

Oh,dear, I suspect it’s going to be a long time before we see their wedding. And not just because we will only be seeing OLTL twice a week from now on.

Todd tries to reach out to Jack

Todd, if Jack doesn’t want any of your gifts just send them on to me, OK?  Jack really can be a little pissant, can’t he?

Dani fantasizes about what she truly wants.

She wants Matthew. We get it. I don’t know exactly why she wants him but she does.

Natalie receives a shocking phone call

“What do you mean, we’re only on twice a week now? Are you crazy?”

Spoilers courtesy of www.soaptownusa.com

By Kate Brown

For  May 20^th and 21^st….

JR holds Cara’s fate in his hands

Sounds like blackmail to me. Is JR really a changed man or is he just pretending? And what could he want from Cara?  Perhaps a chance to play doctor with her?

 Celia and Pete embark on an adventure

“Celia” and “adventure” sound like an oxymoron to me.

Brooke delivers unwanted news

I suspect JR is the recipient.  Is it that Brooke has asked Dimitri to help her run CE, not JR? What is bad news for JR is excellent news for Dimitri fans.

AJ gets a present that could change his life

His father’s Dalmier?  Cortlandt stock from his grandfather? A real kiss from Miranda?  I have no idea, how about you?

Oh, those AMC actors:

Michael Nader returns as Dimitri on June 6^th. Well, no wait, it was June 6^th when AMC was airing 4 times/week.  Which means he will be back on June….. I’m sorry, trying to figure out the new date is making my head hurt. He will definitely be back, though.

Soaps courtesy of www.soaptownusa.com

Is GH going to work out an arrangement with Bush’s Beans? My spidey senses are up about this one!

Tracy is outraged at Luke for taking advantage of her.

Did she actually think she’d be immune to his shenanigans? Come on, Tracy. You ought to know better.

Carly and Michael express their opinions of Morgan’s girlfriend.
Do they say, “Wow, she looks an awful lot like Starr Manning,”? I know why they did what they did, but it’s still hard for me to not get a little confused.

Laura and Scotty’s upcoming wedding gets some focus.
That’s nice. I’m sorry that I’m not at all invested in this. I like Scotty but I think this is really just filler story. Give me more than filler and maybe I’ll care.

Alexis lets something slip while having dinner with Shawn.
“You’re freaking hot and you should run away with Carolyn.” Thanks Alexis, your check is in the mail.

Dante and Milo have a heated argument over Lulu.
SSDD.

Kevin agrees to hypnotize Lulu with the hopes of jogging her memory.
Ain’t gonna happen. She’s got to fall in love with Dante all over again and THEN she’ll get her memory back! Like, totally magically and romantically when they kiss! Duh! Nice try though, Kevin.

Tracy gets an unexpected visit from someone who wants to make a deal.
Monty Hall?

Nik gears up to inform Liz about AJ and Carly (expect him to be interrupted before he can).
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this. If Nik was doing this because he cares for Liz and doesn’t want her to be lied to, that’s one thing but his manipulative tactics make me like him even less than I already do. Be the man you pretend to be Nik and do things honorably.

Spinelli continues to be in the dark about the father of Maxie’s baby.
And he probably will be until it’s born and needs some special surgery and has to have the daddy’s blood or has some strange disease that is part of his medical history, too. Or maybe it’ll pop out speaking Spinelli-speak.

Lulu starts to understand what has been haunting her.
Her abduction? Pretty obvious to us.

Tracy wonders if her plan will work.
Carolyn wonders if she’ll give a crap.

Will Scott and Laura wed?
Maybe, but it will likely take until Friday, with only 30 seconds of the show left.

Lulu is caught between two worlds; she considers sharing her flashes of memory with Dante.
But probably won’t, at least for a while. If she did, the story would end quicker and we wouldn’t have the investment in the nu-Lulu we had in the original one nor would we get to see these two fall in love. Well played, writers…well played.

Maxie and Britt confide in each other about their situations.
Oh Gawd, that’s a match made in hell.

Lucy is shocked to see a face from her past.
Eenie meanie minie mo. Catch a veteran without a gig by its toe. If it makes viewers happy, don’t let it go.

Someone arrives on Sam’s doorstep.
John? Oh, wait, what’s his name again? Dr. I’m a psycho-singers older brother but could pass as his twin except for the creepy ponytail thingie? Yeah, probably it’s him.

The mystery man plots his next move.
Who? Todd? Or is he Franco? Or Jason? Nice bleached hair, by the way. Not.

Duke has inside info on the relish.
Suddenly picturing Duke to be the Bush’s Beans dog. Especially since his name is Duke and all.

For the week of May 13th…

Todd tries to convince Viki that he’s changed.

And if Viki believes him, I have some ocean front property in NM I’d like to sell her

Destiny confronts Matthew.

I think it’s about time for his life’s destiny to kick him in the ass-repeatedly.

A character must leave town.

Is the siren song of Port Charles calling to Todd?

A fight breaks out with serious consequences.

Is it a defenestration? Please let it be a defenestration! OLTL does those so well.

Cutter auditions a new singer at Shelter.

The singer is played by Jessie Malakouti.

Jenni”JWoow” Farley guests stars.

Well, that should class up the place.

Bo and Natalie search for clues to find out the truth.

Could it be the mystery of “Where in the World Is John McBain?”

More likely they’re trying to find out who is poisoning Todd. Talk about an endless list of suspects.

Matthew is found in a compromising situation.

Of course, this is not his first compromising position. Hopefully, this time he will use a condom. Just saying.

Todd tries to get everyone to believe him.

Talk about a Sisphysian task.

Tea comes to a startling realization.

“What do you mean we aren’t on TV, that we’re on the web?”

Clint talks to Viki about taking the next step.

“Well, if our Hulu ratings hold maybe a cable network will pick us up.”  In reality he likely talks to her about the wedding.

Dani is troubled by Matthew’s new friend.

I suspect it’s a friend of the female persuasion. (See above: compromising position.)

Nora bonds with Destiny.

Didn’t they already do that?

For the week of May 13th…

 David plots a reinvention.

Instead of being the evil, but sexy, Dr. David Hayward, he intends to transform into the sexy, but evil, Dr. David Hayward.

 Opal does what she does best-meddles.

Will Opal be as hard on Celia as she was on Dixie?  In order for me to care about that I’d have to care about Celia. So far, my feelings towards her are ..meh…

Who is Sinnamon?

I have no idea, but does she get teased about having sinna-buns?

Angie learns the unthinkable.

Raise your hand if you think Jesse was an ass for not immediately telling her about Cassandra’s kidnapping? How many lies does Jesse think he can get away with? About a billion is my guess.

Pete sets a sophisticated plan in motion.

He definitely is his father’s son. I wonder how Pete feels about Dobermans?

 Matthew Cowles returns as Billy Clyde Tuggle. He plays a role in the plans to rescue Cassandra.

Doing a happy happy happy dance! Billy Clyde Tuggle is at the top of my “Bring them back pleaaasse” list.  (Leo follows right behind.)

And does another one die?

Since Ryan left town, there’s really no one I want dead. How about you?

Miranda lends a hand to a friend.

I hope it’s AJ because I love their scenes.   I love them as much as AJ loves Miranda.

By Carolyn Aspenson

For the week of May 13

Michael pressures Morgan to give up his location.

Holy crap! It’s a miracle! Morgan aged and no one else did! I want whatever it is they’re having so I don’t age, too.

Liz is in shock when Nik shows up at “The Chew”.

Who cares! Did you see that sweets table she was stealing cookies from? I want to go there!

Rafe covers for TJ.

That’s nice.

Michael rushes Morgan to the hospital.

That’s nice, too. He better get a room for himself too because once his parents find out he knew where Morgan was and lied about it, he’s going to need a doctor.

Sonny attempts to get more information on Morgan.

Remember when Sonny wasn’t supposed to have anything to do with his kids? How long did that last, about ten seconds?

AJ and Tracy blame one another.

SSDD.

Tracy threatens to expose AJ if he doesn’t take responsibility for the relish debacle.

I’m starting to get a little bit tired of relish.

Olivia and Connie give Sonny some useful information.

Color safe bleach is best?  Don’t get the bacon double cheeseburger at Kelly’s?

Emma is upset to learn that Britt is still pregnant.

Really? Sorry but Emma is sort of a little snot, isn’t she?

Sabrina can’t believe that Britt approached Patrick about moving in with him.

Is there going to be a who-dun-it murder mystery storyline soon? Say, perhaps, staring Britt? Because if so, I’d be really, really happy.

Mac is hesitant about giving Luke a drink.

Wow. Remember the days when Mac had a real storyline?

Looks like Roger Howarth, Kristen Alderson, and Michael Easton start their returns as new characters this week.  

I sure hope this works.

Molly is torn between TJ and Rafe.

Yeah, so?

Rafe tells Molly he loves her, but doesn’t want to ruin their friendship.

Too late. She’s going to leave TJ for him and then they’ll try to make them the next teen super couple and they’ll break up and then reunite and break up and then she’ll date someone else, have a bunch of babies and then they’ll get back together again and then he’ll cheat on her and she’ll run away and come back looking older and different and they’ll get back together and he’ll get killed and she’ll fall in love with someone else and he’ll come back looking mysteriously different and they’ll get back together and then break up and so on and so on and so on.

TJ becomes more possessive of Molly.

Oh boy. That’s never good. Especially when she’s going to dump him for Rafe and they’re going to be the next super couple.

Molly tells TJ that she is going to the prom with Rafe.

How old am I? I think I’m 46. I’m so over giving a crap about prom stories. Give me more Mac.

Michael races to find Morgan, before it’s too late.

Actually, I don’t think it is. Mr. Morgan there had a really snotty, too good for his britches attitude.  Seems to me that ass-kicking was necessary.

Morgan plans to repay his gambling debt.

And maybe someday Carolyn will give a crap.

Felix suspects Britt is up to no good and he is determined to prove that Britt is lying about being pregnant with Patrick’s child.

Don’t bother. If Patrick isn’t smart enough to get a paternity test then he deserves to have to deal with this crap.

Luke battles his past demons.

With what? A sword? A gun? Okay. I know, not those kind of demons.

A singular event draws everyone in Port Charles together.

One singular sensation, every little step he takes…Sorry, that’s all I got.

Duke has inside info on the relish.

Did he get it from Duke, the Bush’s Beans dog? I hear that dog can’t keep a secret.

AJ decides he needs to tell Elizabeth about sleeping with Carly.

Yeah, AJ’s an idiot.

Britt asks Patrick to let her move in with him.

And so are these two.

Top 8 Most Confusing Aspects of “All or Nothing”

By Becca

Last night was the end of Glee’s season 4, although it felt like more of a midway point for a longer season. A lot happened and not enough at the same time. I’ll have plenty to say about that concept in a week or so, but for now, in no particular order, here’s a list of the biggest things that made me go hmm?

A lesbian couple gets engaged in Breadstix and … everyone applauds?

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Jan and Liz, the couple Kurt and Blaine talked with about how things have changed over the years for gay relationships and visibility. But I didn’t think they’d changed that much in fictional Lima, Ohio, where Blaine had the crap beat out of him a few years ago for bringing a date to Sadie Hawkins, Kurt was bullied relentlessly and crowned prom queen for being gay two years ago, and Karofsky tried to commit suicide after his teammates harassed him for being gay last year. So the whole restaurant cheering on Jan and Liz’s engagement struck me as odd. Maybe even bigots can’t withstand the charms of Patty Duke and Meredith Baxter. Actually, that’s pretty plausible.

The New Directions don’t have enough performers for Regionals and … no one cares?

I’m pretty sure a great deal of seasons 1 and 2 were spent worrying about having enough members on the team to qualify for competitions—that was the whole purpose of Puck and Zizes’s relationship—but both Ryder and Brittany refused to perform in this episode and the gang seemed rather nonplussed about it. Ryder and Brittany didn’t return until the other groups were performing during the competition, yet I saw no indication the new Directions feared disqualification. Do the battle-scarred seniors know that dramatic storm-outs never stick so they don’t even register them anymore?

The portal between NYC and Lima is called … the Lima Express?

Brittany finally gave us a name for the high-speed transportation that whips characters from New York City to Lima and back again in record time, Santana taking it this episode to answer Sam’s Britt signal. I remain unconvinced a train could be that fast no matter its engine, so portals are the only obvious explanation. Plus, a train ticket would cost a lot more than simply stepping into a wormhole.

The Lima Express … has multiple exits inside the choir room?

Look at those two pictures. The first is right as Emma walks down the aisle. The second is right after she reaches Will. Now marvel at how everyone’s placements shifted without us seeing anyone move but Sam and Joe. The only possible explanation is that the Lima Express portal has multiple exits in the McKinley choir room, and the kids can shift through them at will. It’s absolutely not that I pay too close of attention to where Blaine and Kurt are standing at any given time.

Blaine treats the right to marriage more like a command to marry … and no one points out that he’s falsely conflating the two?

Yes, Burt absolutely pointed out the difference between being able to marry and actually getting married last week, but he’s the only one who has. And Jan, the jewelry seller, actively encouraged Blaine to ignore people telling him not to marry Kurt, explaining that refusing to listen is what’s brought marriage equality rights to where they are today. Does Jan not see the difference between Blaine being able to get married and actually going through with it at this time in his life? Maybe Jan just knows a good mark when she sees one. Blaine bought a ring, after all.

The new winning show choir choreography is … to strut around and pose?

To be fair, there were a few twirls as well, but I don’t think the New Directions displayed any actual dancing. They crossed the stage multiple times and stuck their hands out, channeling diva week as much as possible.  I guess all those episode-ending numbers of bopping around aimlessly on stage came in handy. I pity the Hoosier Daddies for thinking good choreography would get them the win.

Finn plans to get course credit for helping train the New Directions … and is never seen again?

Yes, I know Cory Monteith was in rehab and couldn’t complete filming on the last few episodes of the season. That’s fine, excellent actually, because it means the actor was smart enough to get himself help. But why was there no mention of Finn again the entire season? A “Tina has the Asian bird flu” type of explanation would have been fine. Instead, he simply ceased to exist. Maybe he’s lost in the system of portals in the choir room.

Rachel auditions for Funny Girl … and is never seen again?

Well, in this episode, she was never seen again. This is less of a confusing point about the plot line and more about why on earth the show runners would bury her audition at the beginning of the episode and not remind us of it at the end to build up cliffhanger tension. Failing to build up tension will get a lot of focus when I break down the episode’s plot more in the next column.

You’ll notice that none of those confusing aspects I highlighted involved Brittany’s early admission to MIT. I had to suspend my disbelief just to type that sentence, but honestly? I loved it. It was a great way to send off a character that’s always shown secret smarts in the midst of her non sequitur existence. I’m sure I’ll praise that choice and nearly everything about Brittany’s exit in the next Glee-Full Gab. See you then!

Becca

My romance novella, Maya’s Vacation, is available for purchase at Astraea Press,  Amazon, and Barnes and Nobles. Follow me on Twitter @thegourmez or on Facebook.